“Wow!” What
else can I say but, “Wow!” The Associated
Press reports that the heart of a burned out star
named BPM 37093 is actually a diamond — a
diamond which is 2,500 miles across and weighs
10 billion trillion trillion carats.
This diamond lies about 300 trillion miles from Earth in the constellation Centaurus.
I’ll bet that President Bush is sorry he ordered men to go back to the
moon and on to Mars. Had he sent them to BPM 37093, they could have brought back
that diamond and paid off the national debt.
Forgive me, but I can’t help wondering if the CIA messed up its intelligence
and thought the diamond is on Mars. Maybe there is a big diamond on that planet,
but it probably would be the kind on which you play baseball. Watch for them
in the World Series before Boston makes it.
The thoughts about that jewel can be mind-boggling. Imagine giving such a stone
to your loved one. For me, that would present a big problem. I wouldn’t
want to go with a girl whose hand is large enough to wear the thing. Granted,
it would make a sensational engagement ring, but how do you top it when you get
married?
When my dear, late wife and I got engaged, I gave her a ring with a one-carat
diamond in it. It was beautiful and the envy of all her friends except one. Her
boyfriend gave her an engagement ring with a two-carat stone. The showoff. I
could have given my lady a larger stone than that, but it would have had to be
granite instead of diamond.
Speaking of engagements and stuff, I am trying to decide who Elizabeth Taylor
would have to marry to get a diamond like BPM 37093. Bill Gates is already married
and Michael Jackson has that $70 million loan to pay off. I’m single and
crazy about Miss Taylor, but the truth is that I probably couldn’t afford
to pay for one gallon of the fuel they use to blast off for outer space.
What about Ben Affleck? Nah! If he had a diamond like that, he probably still
would be engaged to J-Lo. Or is it Jay Low? Or maybe it’s Jae Lowe. Then
again, she is now a married woman. She should have waited. Affleck might have
been able to pull it off. It depends on what script writer he hires.
In her famous song, Marilyn Monroe told us that diamonds are a girl’s best
friend. I believe that. The Academy Awards are coming up and the glamorous ladies
who attend will prove that they have a lot of best friends. And they bring them
all with them to the occasion.
Men can’t do that. Man’s best friends are dogs, and they don’t
let dogs in to fancy soirees like the Academy Awards. But don’t feel sorry
for the pets of Hollywood celebrities. There are all those parties after the
award ceremonies and all the guests take home doggie bags. Those mutts eat better
than I do for a week after those parties — maybe all the time.
But back to that big diamond in the sky. Perhaps we don’t have to actually
bring it back to Earth to take advantage of its value. President Bush can just
register it with that company which lets you name a star for just $54. He can
name it after his wife, Laura, or his mother, Barbara. Then when he pays the
54 bucks he can go to the bank and borrow against it. He’ll have money
to run the government for years and years to come.
When the day comes that the bank wants the president to pay off the loan, all
he has to do is default and let the bank have the diamond. America will be solvent
and we didn’t have to send any men to war or the stars.
Anybody have any better ideas?
Humor
columnist Larry Miller is a former television writer who has penned lines
for Dick Van Dyke, Ed McMahon, Jack Paar and many others, and for shows including "The
Dating Game," "Beat the Clock" and "Petticoat Junction." In
1985, he began his weekly newspaper column on the lighter side of getting
older.
Restaurant
Offers Heaping Portions With a Side of Black History 
Twinkle,
Twinkle, Little Star, Now I Know Just What You Are 