It
is that time of the year when I pay my annual visit
to the accountant lady who sees to it that Uncle
Sam keeps his hands off the two or three bucks I
still call my own.
This piece will not be a diatribe against taxation. I figure that what Uncle
Sam doesn’t take when I go bye-bye permanently, my two kids get to split
up. Uncles, kids it’s all in the family and I won’t be using those
assets anyway. This is going to be the presentation of an opportunity for any
reader who has the kind of foresight I have.
Sitting in Madame Accountant’s outer office, there were six of us waiting
our turn — three younger folks and three about my age. The three older
clients had walkers. The three younger ones were talking on cell phones while
drinking coffee from the Starbucks down the block.
My mind began spinning. What an opportunity in this day of mergers.
No, I don’t think Starbucks should merge with a manufacturer of walkers.
But merger is what came to mind.
Think about it. Those young folks had their hands full — phone in one,
coffee in the other. What if one wanted a croiss ... croassan ... cr ... doughnut?
Where would it be held? Where would the coffee-drinking-cell-phone-talking young
man get it?
That’s where the merger comes in. Merge a walker with a cabinet/refrigerator.
Why limit an on-the-run snack to coffee? Add food. Bagels and cream cheese come
to mind. Danish and butter. Toast and jelly.
But why limit the merger meals to breakfast? Later in the day, there is pizza,
a corned beef sandwich and even a cup of hot soup. In the time it takes to walk
to the local deli, a person could be finished eating.
You might be thinking that I am giving away a million-dollar idea, and why am
I doing it? Well, I am not mechanically inclined. I couldn’t merge a walker
with a fridge if the latter came complete with wire wheels and solid chrome hub
caps. But I can visualize the sales campaign for the end product.
Like a new Caddy or SUV, it should be sold as a four-door device. Who knows if
the user will have his or her left hand or right hand free to reach for the next
food item? It can be sold with the idea of instant acceleration. You push. It
accelerates.
Its dashboard should come complete with a six-disc CD player and FM radio. No
AM radio. That’s where the talk stations are, and the market for this item
doesn’t listen to talk. It interferes with their talking on cell phones.
What I don’t have is a name for the contraption. I thought of calling it
an SUV — ServeUp Vittles. But that would be limiting it. It could also
carry an umbrella, gym clothing and books. Besides, somebody already beat me
to SUV … whatever that stands for.
That just presents another opportunity. We could have a nationwide contest to
name the thing. Winner gets the first one.
So, all you mechanics who are reading this, get cracking. Build that merger.
Include lots of goodies. Don’t forget refrigeration. Heat. Microwaves.
Toasters. Surprise me. Let’s not let the young businessfolk down. Show
the Starbucks generation what can be done to help them.
And what about the geezers with the walkers? Just build in a comfortable bed
for a nap. If I had one right now, that’s what I would use. Well, maybe
after a piece of pizza and a soda.
Humor
columnist Larry Miller is a former television writer who has penned lines
for Dick Van Dyke, Ed McMahon, Jack Paar and many others, and for shows including "The
Dating Game," "Beat the Clock" and "Petticoat Junction." In
1985, he began his weekly newspaper column on the lighter side of getting
older.
Young
and Old Fiddle Around at Monthly Jam Session
Merger
Mania, According to My Mindless Meanderings 