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It has happened. I have had an epiphany. Thanks
to the confluence of Independence Day and daytime temperatures of over
100 degrees this year,
my eyes have been opened to what is wrong with governing bodies all over
the world — why they can’t get together to bring peace, balanced
budgets, health care and the pursuit of happiness to their citizens and
adversaries around the globe.
The reason is air conditioning.
Back in the days when I was a student of American history, I learned that
it was an accident of the weather which led to Independence Day falling
on July
4. It could just as well have been July 8 or Sept. 20, 1776, or Jan. 16, 1777.
But it wasn’t, because they didn’t have air conditioning in Independence
Hall back in those days.
The founding fathers debated, modified and transformed the version of the Declaration
of Independence which came from the quill of Thomas Jefferson within the walls
of that historic building.
Why did they finally stop talking and start signing
the document in the form which has come down to us today as one of the greatest
compacts ever conceived by the mind of man? It was air conditioning — or,
rather, the lack of it.
It was a very hot July in Philadelphia in 1776. Right across the street from
Independence Hall there was a stable. Since automobiles had not been invented
back then, there were no parking lots near Independence Hall. No cars and no
parking lots meant that the signers of the Declaration needed horses to draw
their carriages, and horses need stables. Are you following this? It is important.
Because of the heat, the windows of Independence Hall were kept open. Thousands
of flies were attracted to the stables and soon found their way across the
street and though the windows to the hall where our wise old forbears were
in the process
of hammering out their affirmation that all men are created equal.
If they had had air conditioning, they might still be hammering and hammering
and we would still be part of the British Empire. But those patriots of 1776
were human, and the heat and the flies gave their endeavors an urgency which
partisan political and diplomatic discourse seldom have today. Instead, we
have air conditioning.
I don’t know the addresses of the buildings where the Israelis and Palestinians
meet these days, but I’ll bet that the places are air-conditioned. If
they would cut off that modern convenience and open the windows and station
several
dozen camels outside those windows, Ill bet that negotiations would go a lot
better and peace in the Middle East would be on its way.
And what about settling on justices in Washington, D.C. and voting districts
in the State of Texas? Cut the air conditioning, open the windows and get horses,
camels or whatever to attract flies. Then, we would get some real action. Right?
Here in California, the state Legislature has yet to come up with a budget
even though the deadline for fulfilling that responsibility is well past. As
I write,
Sacramento is in the midst of another 100-degree heat wave. Will that spur
the politicians into action? Not as long as they have air conditioning. This
is another
case where bringing an open window policy to the political sphere will speed
up the action.
I can’t be sure, but I’ll bet that Saddam Hussein had air conditioning
in all of his palaces. I’m not certain that they had windows — he
didn’t want to let the flies in or his “friends” out.
We got rid of him. But it took an army of brave American and British soldiers
to do it. If they had learned from history, the American and British secret
services could have just cut Saddam’s air conditioning. It still might
have taken an army to get rid of the guy, but it would have been an army of
flies.
Humor
columnist Larry Miller is a former television writer who has penned lines
for Dick Van Dyke, Ed McMahon, Jack Paar and many others, and for shows including
"The Dating Game," "Beat the Clock" and "Petticoat
Junction." In 1985, he began his weekly newspaper column on the lighter
side of getting older.
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