senior-spectrum.com - Larry Miller

My Computer Has Worms, and It’s Not Even an Apple

The news recently carried stories about an 18-year-old kid who is being blamed for messing up thousands and thousands of computers. He is accused of modifying a computer worm, whatever that is.

My own computer caught the ailment, and none of my friends knew how to cure it. Some of them were computer experts before they retired, but even they had no idea how to fix my machine. Maybe they were just too old to understand. I know that I am.

Before my Dell fell victim to this worm, I had never heard of such a thing. Viruses I knew, but worms? I bought some programs which were supposed to detect viruses and get rid of them before they could hurt my super-fancy pencil. I call my computer that because to me it is really the greatest eraser in the world. Why don’t I call it a super fancy eraser? Because before you can erase something, you have to write it. A pencil and my computer can do both. I just can’t chew on my computer.

But back to computer viruses and worms. The ailment that hit my machine wouldn’t let me go online. If I needed to research a fact or an idea, I had to go back to reading a dictionary or encyclopedia. For this I paid more than $1,300 to Dell?

For people, viruses are more dangerous than worms, but frankly I’d rather have a virus than worms. There is always penicillin or some other medicine. I once had a dog which had worms, but never a computer.

I understand that it wasn’t really my computer which had worms, it was the Windows XP operating system which came with it. OK, so some 18-year-old kid got mad at Bill Gates and I couldn’t get online to send or receive e-mail. It only proves that you shouldn’t buy anything from the richest man in the world. If Mr. Gates were selling apples, I would be afraid to buy from him. I would be scared of getting worms.

I remember getting apples and peaches with worms in them, but they didn’t cost me 1,300 bucks. However, the way prices are going in my local supermarket, it could happen. Fishermen like worms, but I don’t fish. Doctors like viruses, but I don’t like blood. With my likes and dislikes, I should be safe from both worms and viruses. Perhaps I am, but my computer is not.

It is no surprise that an 18-year-old is involved in making my computer sick. Have you ever seen the movies they watch or the songs they enjoy? That kind of entertainment is enough to make anybody sick. But do they have to spread it around on the Internet?

The authorities are talking about throwing the book at the computer virus kid. I wonder if he would even be able to read it. He may be a genius at computers, but has he ever read a book? I read one recently. It was called something like “The Internet for Dummies.” I didn’t understand it. Give me a book about physics or chemistry. Those I can handle. But computers? I’m either too old or too dumb for them.

Personally, I believe they should let the computer culprit off with a stern warning. Computers are the wave of the future and we need all the people we can get who know how to handle them. Leave it to anyone over 30 and computers will take over the world. I’ll bet that that kid can figure out a way to get computers to give themselves worms, and not us. Then, we win. Computers can’t go to a drug store to get worm medicine. And with any luck, they will also give themselves viruses. How will they cure those? Doctors don’t make house calls any more, you know.

There is hope for the future and it is in the hands of our 18-year-olds. I look to my grandson, Matt. He is 19. I hope he is not too old.

Humor columnist Larry Miller is a former television writer who has penned lines for Dick Van Dyke, Ed McMahon, Jack Paar and many others, and for shows including "The Dating Game," "Beat the Clock" and "Petticoat Junction." In 1985, he began his weekly newspaper column on the lighter side of getting older.

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