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Special Memo to 131 Would-Be Governors

There are 135 people who want to replace California’s governor should the people vote him out of office him in a special recall election.

We hear about four of them: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Cruz Bustamante, Tom McClintock and Arianna Huffington. The others need help in getting attention. This column is devoted to that pursuit.

What follows are suggestions that any of them could use to their advantage. These are tried and true statements which other politicians have used in the past to good effect. There is no reason to think that they will not get the present 131 would-be governors press attention in the days to come before the election.

In the event of a threatened invasion by Martians, a very effective line would be, “Bring ‘em on.” Or an alternative quote which would work is, “We’ll give them drivers’ licenses so they can get to work as stoop field laborers or busboys and dishwashers or cleaning crews in buildings after midnight. With that kind of worker supply, we won’t have to encourage Mexicans to enter our country illegally, and that will solve our illegal immigration problem.”

These candidates might want to address the issue of mounting credit card debt. That’s an easy one. “Never have so many owed so much to so few.” ‘Nuff said.

If caught telling an untruth, the candidate should say, “I cannot tell a lie. My speech writer wrote that.” If the candidate should be caught actually telling the truth, he can say, “I cannot tell the truth. My speech writer wrote that.”

There may come a time when it will be rumored that a gubernatorial aspirant is having marital problems. All he or she need do to quash that gossip is to don a flight suit, go to a ship at sea, and announce to the assembled press corps that “major combat is over.” Then hang on until the election is over.

An inspirational epigram goes, “When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high. And don’t be afraid of the dark. You have nothing to fear but fear itself.” Those lines worked for Rodgers and Hammerstein on Broadway and Franklin D. Roosevelt in World War II. Make them your own, now. But if you yourself happen to be walking through a storm at night, I suggest that you carry an umbrella and flashlight. A big flashlight. One you can use to whack somebody. There’s no telling what can happen these days.

President Harry Truman made “The buck stops here” a famous phrase for all politicians and aspiring office holders. Each of you 131 to whom this column is addressed qualifies to use it. You wouldn’t be out of the running if you would commit some bucks to making radio and television commercials and having them shown all over the state of California.

But obviously, you candidates have decided that the buck stops with you and you are not going to spend it on your campaign for governor. Well, you can’t have your buck and spend it, too. So you might as well adopt Harry Truman’s slogan, “The buck stops here.”

“You need someone to fight for you,” is being heard a lot these days by candidates who are spending money, but they don’t try to prove that they really are fighters. Here is your chance to take the play away from them. Tell the world that you are a fighter. Then prove it by saying the following, “I am a fighter and I am here to prove it. I fight with my wife, I fight with my kids, I fight with anybody who says I have no chance to be governor of California. You never heard any of the other candidates say that. Have you?”

There you are. Free advice on how to conduct your try for office. The front-running four have not yet won. You still have a chance. Just get out there and say the things I have advised in this piece. But please, don’t tell anybody who told you to do it.

Humor columnist Larry Miller is a former television writer who has penned lines for Dick Van Dyke, Ed McMahon, Jack Paar and many others, and for shows including "The Dating Game," "Beat the Clock" and "Petticoat Junction." In 1985, he began his weekly newspaper column on the lighter side of getting older.

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